Decades ago, I was in a conference room with two female lawyers. We were waiting for a male partner to join a discussion he had requested about how we could help him jump-start his practice.
He was late to the meeting — perhaps the first indicator of what was holding him back — so we began reviewing his client list and mapping how each relationship began. Some came from referrals. Others were long-standing personal connections. We were deep in conversation when he finally walked in.
He opened the door, looked at the three of us, and said, “What are you girls doing — planning your next shopping trip?”
It wasn’t intentionally cruel, and I don’t believe harm was his intent. But it was dismissive. Girls. Shopping. Maybe he felt awkward walking into a room where he was seeking advice. Maybe that was his version of small talk. But comments like that, even when said casually, send a message. (We could write an entire post about bias — and yes, I did raise it with him privately afterward.)
I looked at him and replied, quite seriously, “No — we’re trying to find ways to help you build your book of business.” Thankfully, I had the presence of mind not to brush it off or shrink back.
I thought about this moment recently while working with a partner who told me she didn’t feel taken seriously. We paused and listed everything she had already accomplished — major matters, hard-won skills, milestones she had nearly forgotten. Seeing it on paper changed how she carried herself in the conversations that followed. I write more about building confidence in my book, Breaking Ground: How Successful Women Lawyers Build Successful Practices (PLI 2026).
My takeaway:
- People may unintentionally — or intentionally — diminish your work.
- Don’t let moments like that define you.
- Know your value before you walk into the room — and remember it when times are tough.
- Every so often, write down your accomplishments — not for ego, but for clarity and confidence.
Confidence isn’t a tone of voice. It’s remembering what you’ve already done.
